Are you happy?

There were so many things, good things, that came into my life as a result of working with children and families every single day, Monday-Friday, 10+ hours a day for 13 years.  The countless giggles, the priceless ah-hah moments, the tears wiped dry, the smell of newborn babes snuggled in my arms as well as the relationships formed with parents and families are all positive memories of my life as a child care provider.  And this work led to a comfortable lifestyle for our family.

But, honestly, day-to-day, I was stressed out, overtired, emotional and by the end of the day, I had nothing, I mean NOTHING, left to give to my own family.  Although I kept trying to be happy, I knew, even after my weight-loss and new part-time work (which I loved) as a personal trainer, I was just not happy.  At all.  My calendar was jam packed and they say a busy life is a good life. I was busy.  I had a good life.  But there were things about my day that I just dreaded. 

About a year ago, I put this picture up on my phone as the background: 

I knew I had to change something.  I just didn't know what.  I prayed a lot.  My husband prayed a lot.  I think I expected a flash and a thunderbolt to direct me where I was supposed to go.  Let me tell you, that didn't happen. 

Instead I took small steps.  One foot in front of the other.  I opened doors.  Peaked around corners.  Made little changes.  Over time, I became more brave and bolder in my prayer and in the changes I was willing to make in my life. 

 

And today I walked out of the gym at 7am.  The sun was shining, the air was crisp yet and I thought:  I am happy!  Finally!  There is nothing about my day that I dread.  Finally, I feel like I have enough to give back to my family at night.  Finally, I'm excited about each and every new opportunity that comes to me. 

 

I just want to encourage you.  If you feel that unhappiness in your life, do not give up.  Keep making those small forward lunges (eh-hem, my exercise reference) and eventually you will find that big change to a happy life. 

 

And you know what?  I'm not done making those small changes.  I'm not done moving forward.  The decision to lose weight was the very first small step I made.  The decision to step back from my career as a child care provider was the single biggest decision I've yet made.  Even in all the uncertainty, it sure feels great to be happy and know that I am helping others along the way.

Breaking it down

I said good-bye to two more families today.  Tears.  Emotions of sadness, fear, trepidation and anxiousness. 

My house is changing.  So far this baby equipment has been packed away.  More emotional for me than I thought it would be.  *Sigh*  What will we do with all the new space?!  Ah, we have plans.  A little rearranging is in the near future as is a fresh coat of paint. 

 

But as for now, it's on to family pizza night.  Signing off!  

Easter Sunday

March 31, 2013
Easter Sunday

This is not going to be an exciting post.  But here are my thoughts for the day:

Two of our kiddos explored the empty tomb this morning. I love Easter.  Thank you, Jesus, for rising again so that I can someday be in heaven with you.

 

 

After our delish Easter Dinner today which was not healthy or clean or muscle building or correct in macro intake at all, but very much a needed treat, I found myself saying things I've not said in a long time.

 

I found myself saying things to indicate I was excited about the summer.  For 13 years, summer has simply meant a lot of work.  More kids.  More BIG kids.  More meals.  More chaos.  More loud.  More of everything.  Don't get me wrong...I've loved it in its own way, and it always provided an extra boost of income for the family, but I am so ready to move on.

 

Today I spoke aloud plans to have friends over to play with my kids this summer.  I would never have considered this while doing child care.  By the end of the day I am wiped out and do not want to deal with more kiddos.  And if I had extras here during the day (for example, to ride home on the bus with one of my own) I'd need to make sure I'd have paperwork and appropriate ratios of children. And for some reason it feels quite insane to ask my son's grade-school friend's mother for immunization records and health insurance information (part of the required paperwork for anyone in the house during licensed hours).   And it felt even more insane to have a background check ordered for any of my daughter's friends who are over a certain age to come and hang out around here while the children are around.

 

I write down the positives of my decision to be a stay-at-home-mom like this so that I can overcome my feelings of doubt and panic.  Because as I sit here knowing how very not-wimpy this decision has been for me and how right it is for our family, I feel pretty skeptical as to how it will all work out. 

 

Our sugar-drenched Easter Sunday is over.  Back to work (still have 4 extra kiddos in care) tomorrow.  Back to my regular routine.  I'm really going to push it with reining in my diet to get lean and mean for the summer.  And I'm going to have to really push it to start planning, budgeting and getting this family organized for this upcoming month of change.  This not-so-wimpy mom can do this!

 

 



5K and bye-bye toys

This not-so-wimpy mom ran her first 5K (3.12 miles) race of the season this morning. And I gotta say, THAT STUNK!  40 degrees in March in MN is not so bad.  A little bit of sun.  Okay.  No rain.  Bonus.  Prairie style gale-force winds off a frozen lake like the blast form the back side of a jet engine (only cold!)....AWFUL!!! OH.MY.GOSH, did I ever want to stop, turn around and walk back to the start line!  But I didn't.  Because remember, I'm not-so-wimpy! 

My son and my husband ran the race too.  Our son came in 20th overall and 3rd in the under 18 age group (he's 8!).  So proud of him! 

Right now, this not-so-wimpy mom is fighting baseball-like lumps in her calves that keep cramping up. 

On the other hand, I feel pretty wimpy.  While I was busy cooking and baking for Easter, my family started de-constructing my living room/play-room.  The child care room is slowly making its exit.  I've never had a real living room.  For 13 years the toys have shared space with our furniture and television.  But, since I'm down four kiddos now and have only littles left, we decided to start moving a few things out.

I never expected to get emotional and start crying over that.  Wimpy.

A Good Friday

March 29, 2013

Three weeks ago I quit my job.  Kind of.  I gave notice that, in early May, I will be closing my licensed in-home child care that I've been running since 1999.  That's 13 years worth of career and commitment.  On one hand I feel completely devastated to give up the successful career that I've had.  On the other hand I am trembling with excitement to start my new life as a stay-at-home mom. 

Today was a tough day.  Saying good-bye to a family I've been caring for through 6 years.  Watching the little ones grow since they were 6 weeks old until they are now in school and preschool age.  That's tough.  The Dad said something that struck me, "We completely trusted you.  We never worried about our kids while we were at work.  Now it's always going to be in the back of my mind whether or not  I can trust their new provider."  He didn't mean this as a slight on my stepping down, but rather as a commendation for a job well done. 

But that's what brings me here.  This is an adventure like I've never undertaken before.  Cutting our family income by just over 1/3.  Learning to adjust to a household of 5 instead of a household of 8-10.  Finding out about my own kids' lives...that's what I'm really looking forward to.  

I am also starting my career as a personal trainer.  I work at our local fitness center part-time training clients in health and fitness.  I love that job and look forward to the places it will take me in the future.

For now.  For today.  I am feeling okay.  Emotional.  Sad.  Excited.  Scared.  It's all a bit overwhelming.  It's Good Friday.  That, too, gives me hope for the future.

And as for the adventures of the stay at home mom?  I can't wait to chronicle them here on this page. 

This was our project today: